Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Dark Castle Review

So. Remember back in the day before most people read gaming magazines and heard if games were good before they bought them? I do. I remember picking out new NES games for my parents to buy me because they looked cool on the box...only to play them and have my child heart broken. I threw game controllers into the wall like it was nobodies business. To bad they don't make them like they used to, simple and indestructible from your anger lol.

Anyways, I never played Dark Castle when I was a kid, but I'm sure if you did...this story will touch home with you...this game is so lame I actually feel bad for wasting everyone's time by writing this review, because I know its just going to make people curious to see how bad it is.

I'm going to make this simple...


NA Cover Art

Title Screen

Gameplay Screenshot

Chose Level Screenshot

For some unknown reason you have to beat the Black Knight in the Dark Castle. Why? Who knows. The best part yet....wait for it....you are going to do it by throwing rocks at him! 
Did you ever play a game without a plot? This is one of those games. There is no story here, and if there is..its lost in between all the glitches and horrible controls. All you know is you are some dude, with a lot of rocks and that you must make your way to the Black Knight and slay him...with rocks..

Overall Plot Score: 0 out of 10

Want to know something worse than the plot? Gameplay. It's essentially a Donkey Kong style game. Except you can throw rocks and get hit by stuff other than barrels. You have to climb up and down stairs, ladders, ropes in order to finish a level. However...attempting to do this with the most God awful controls is near impossible. Where do I start? Lets start with throwing rocks...you don't just throw them straight, you actually have to use the up and down arrow on the d-pad to aim. God forbid if you have to aim at something coming right at you, because its obvious this guy has a serious form of arthritis in his throwing arm and it takes forever to raise and lower, and getting the proper angle is just as hard. 

I'm not done yet.

So not only does throwing rocks suck, but there are items placed on the ground...or so you think anyways until you try picking it up. How do you pick it up? have fun figuring this out. I want you to have fun working on this. Next is ducking and jumping. Ducking actually serves a purpose, you can duck from odd looking people throwing things at you. Jumping...ok..so not only do you jump like Peter Pan, but a lot of places the game makes you jump at..is retarded. For instance - in one of the first levels, there is a microscopic step down on the floor...like literally if you were 94 with a walker you would just roll over this step down and be on your way. Well..not our trusty "hero", if you walk over this millimeter step down you fall and become dazed in order for your enemies to throw stuff at you and kill you. You must Peter Pan your way over this step.

Also if you are on the ladder or a step and a rat or a bat or something goes by...even if your not on the same level, or really near it...you will still get hit by it. You can't throw rocks from ladders..or even stairs..your a sitting duck. Enjoy this one guys.

Overall Gameplay Score: 0 out of 10

Believe it or not...this is the only bright spot for the game. The graphics...aren't great...but they aren't as horrible as the rest of this game is. Graphically it reminds me of  an early Kings Quest game meets Hugo (the old dos games). Still though, these mediocre graphics don't make this any easier to play.

Overall Graphics Score: 5 out of 10

I don't care how good a song or certain game music is. When It's the only music in the game and just repeats itself over and over. You will want to kill yourself. Thank God for mute buttons. Toccata Fugue in D Minor is a great classical piece..just not here..on repeat..with this horrible game.

Overall Music Score: 1 out of 10 

1.5 out of 10

 Final Thoughts. This game is so bad..I kind of recommend you try it for yourself. I dare you to beat it. Anyone into S&M may enjoy the experience. If your not a Genesis collector though, and someone ever tells you this game is worth spending your hard earned money on. Slap them in the face. Until next time ladies and gents...take care and I hope this was informative.

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